My Thoughts on Pregnancy After a Miscarriage (x2)

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.”
 – 1 Samuel 1:27

I have been planning to write on this topic for a while now, but life has been moving quickly and I haven’t been able to find the words. Today it feels as though the entire world is at a standstill and I can’t think of anything else. There are things I just need to say. If this helps just one person cope with some form of grief and know that she/he is not alone, then it has served a purpose. Not a day goes by that this is not on my mind, and I pray that some good can come of it for someone. My faith plays a large role in my life, and is heavily discussed in this post. That being said, if you have negative comments on the subject, please keep them to yourself.

I don’t even know where to begin except to say that I miss my babies. It doesn’t matter that I haven’t met them, or how short lived their time was. The loss of a miscarriage and the grief that accompanies it is something no one can accurately express, and its effects are far reaching.

Fear

I prayed and prayed that God would bless us with another baby, and He has. While I am overjoyed to be carrying this growing life within me, it does not mean I have not been absolutely terrified everyday for the past 26 weeks. Fear is a powerful thing. At first I had a very hard time even being happy about this pregnancy because I did not want to have my heart broken again.

It’s funny how your perspective changes during a time like this. I have felt very sick for most of my pregnancy, but everyday I take it as a sign that my baby girl is growing healthy and strong. In fact, the day before my twelve week appointment I felt very good, and I was a wreck because I just knew it meant something was wrong. For the first seventeen weeks I felt physically miserable around the clock, but with each day I became more confident that it is God’s will for this baby to live and live abundantly.  When this little girl started to move I was so excited. On days when she was less active and her movements were faint, fear crept back inside. God’s word says that we should not be afraid.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” 
– Isaiah 41:10

There are several songs which are popular on Christian radio right now that I heard almost every morning and afternoon during my commute to school, and the lyrics have stuck with me during some of the more difficult moments I have faced.  One song is titled “All of Me” by Matthew Hammitt, and there is a specific line that comes to mind: "I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose for every moment shared with you."

One thing that has helped is how extremely active she is. My midwife comments on this at every appointment. This little girl is full of life and she certainly makes her presence known.

Even though she is right here, disrupting my sleep and pushing my internal organs aside, sometimes I get scared that this is all a dream. I worry that one day I will go to the doctor and she will say, “JUST KIDDING!” I know, though, at the end of the day, that I cannot let fear from past experiences steal the joy and love this little girl deserves, nor can I allow it to diminish the joy and love God is sharing with me through her. How very, very much I love her already.

Questions

Besides fear, there are always questions.  The most obvious one is, “Why?” Why even start these lives and not allow them to come to fruition? I know that sometimes there is no specific medical cause, and that this is quite common, but it does not make it any less painful or easier to deal with. Since there is nothing I can do to change the past, I try to think of the positive things coming from these experiences. I am thankful for the extra time Nick and I have had to grow as people and as husband and wife. I know no one can do anything to deserve a miscarriage (or two), and I certainly would never wish this experience on my worst enemy, but a part of me wonders what I did that God would have me deal with this.

The truth is that it’s not about anything I did. It is preparing me for something very important: motherhood. I know that each milestone will be an occasion for celebration, and every moment and memory will be even more sweet. I hope that knowing what I have missed out on with those two babies will help me relish the day to day changes that will come all too quickly for this little girl.

I like to think that Nick’s mom and my grandmother are playing with our two sweethearts in heaven and taking care of them until we get there one day. Nick’s mom would be such an amazing grandmother. They never dealt with any of the troubles of this world, and I suppose they weren't meant to. There is so much I want to say to them. I hope they know how much I love them.  I hope they know who I am. I hope they will recognize me when I get there.

I have always wanted three children. I wonder if these are my three: two in heaven and one here. I wonder if I will only get to experience these kicks and wiggles once. If this is the only earthly child God has in store for me, she will be extremely special and more than enough. I pray that we will have an unspeakable, unbreakable bond, and that she will need me as much as I need her.

Understanding and Healing

“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.” 
-Ecclesiastes 11:5

It is hard accepting the fact that I will never understand. But it’s okay. I don’t need to understand. That’s why He is God and I am not. I know that he is holding me close each and every day, molding me for a purpose, just as he is doing with this little baby. She does not yet understand what is taking place around her, but she is safe and full of life, and so am I.

Healing does not come from understanding. It comes from choosing to live the life you have been given, not aimlessly but with intention. It comes from knowing things will get better. It comes from God and time, and it does not come all at once.

“The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer.” 
– Psalms 6:9

I know that I will never forget and never fully let go of these memories, but bit by bit God is rebuilding my heart to make it stronger than ever before for. He is preparing me for whatever the future holds.